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KindlED
The KindlED Podcast explores the science of nurturing children's potential and creating empowering learning environments. Powered by Prenda, each episode offers actionable insights to help you ignite your child's love of learning. We'll dive into evidence-based tools and techniques that kindle curiosity, motivation, and well-being in young learners. Do you have a question, topic, or story you'd like to share with us? Get in touch at podcast@prenda.com.
KindlED
Episode 66: Raising Kids With Purpose. A Conversation with Adriane Thompson.
Adriane Thompson, founder of Raising Kids With Purpose, shares her transformative journey from controlling parenting to creating an environment that meets children's developmental needs through intentional family culture.
• Shifting from viewing parenting as controlling children to understanding and meeting their developmental needs
• Creating strong family culture through shared values, family meetings, and consistent modeling
• Understanding that big emotions and behaviors in children signal unmet needs, not "bad kids"
• Helping neurodivergent children by recognizing their unique nervous system needs
• Building a family where unconditional love and acceptance form the foundation
• Recognizing that our own nervous system regulation directly impacts our children
• Starting with awareness of our triggers and patterns from our own upbringing
• Using values as an anchor during challenging parenting moments
• Creating consistent family time to strengthen connections
About our guest
Adriane Thompson is a certified parenting coach living in Surprise, Arizona, with her husband, three energetic boys, and two Aussiedoodles. She’s passionate about helping parents navigate challenges with a connection-based approach and is the creator of the P.U.R.P.O.S.E. Parent Transformation Program, a 12-week coaching experience designed to help overwhelmed parents break generational cycles, build emotional resilience, and foster a strong family culture rooted in mutual respect.
With over five years of experience in coaching, education, and mentoring, Adriane has a gift for breaking down complex topics like neurodevelopment, emotional regulation, attachment, and family dynamics into practical, life-giving strategies. She shares value-packed blog posts and printables at Raising Kids With Purpose, offering tools that support parents on their journey toward more peace and joy at home.
When she’s not coaching, you’ll find Adriane hiking, camping with her family, leading local mom groups, or mentoring high school girls at her church. She believes in the power of connection, kindness, and lifelong learning to make a lasting impact on the world.
Connect with Adriane
raisingkidswithpurpose.com
@raisingkidswithpurpose on Instagram
Got a story to share or question you want us to answer? Send us a message!
About the podcast
The KindlED Podcast explores the science of nurturing children's potential and creating empowering learning environments.
Powered by Prenda Microschools, each episode offers actionable insights to help you ignite your child's love of learning. We'll dive into evidence-based tools and techniques that kindle young learners' curiosity, motivation, and well-being.
Got a burning question?
We're all ears! If you have a question or topic you'd love our hosts to tackle, please send it to podcast@prenda.com. Let's dive into the conversation together!
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Once I started viewing parenting as not. Oh, I'm here to control my child and make them behave a certain way and sit still and be quiet and be compliant purpose and be able to provide and give them what they need, and figuring out what those needs are.
Speaker 2:Hi and welcome to the Kindled podcast where we dig into the art and science behind kindling, the motivation, curiosity and mental well-being of the young humans in our lives.
Speaker 1:Together, we'll discover practical tools and strategies you can use to help kids unlock their full potential and become the strongest version of their future selves. Together, we'll discover practical tools and strategies you can use to help kids unlock their full potential and become the strongest version of their future selves.
Speaker 2:Welcome to the Kindle podcast everyone. Adrienne. Hi, how are you? What's new at your house?
Speaker 1:Hi, what's new at my house? Just got back from a camping trip. Oh fun, How'd it go? It was a long weekend. We got lost in the desert a little trying to find how was your weekend. I got lost in the desert.
Speaker 1:I got lost in the desert. We live in Arizona and we are camping in more I wouldn't say northern arizona, but central, so it's still. It's high desert, so it's not like just sororo, cacti and you know, uh, teddy bear, cholla, and where there's no coverage. So we at least had some trees but we were trying to find a water hole. I read a blog post and I sent it to the other family that we were with. We read it, I screenshotted it because I knew we weren't going to have any service when we were out there. So that's interesting too is helping kids navigate an area without GPS, without having maps, or we can't just look this up, you know. So we came very prepared and we had all the things that we needed and this blog post said it is very hard to find. However, if you follow these exact directions, you can get there. Well, they failed to put apart. You get to a fork in the road. Before you get to, there's this like stone structure house that's really really old. It was probably, you know, built by whoever used to reside in that desert, and we didn't see that. But there was a fork in the road and so there were people behind us who had been there before, but had been years, and so they were like, oh, we go right, and my intuition told me to go left. But it was going up away from the water instead of going down towards the water, but it felt like more of the main trail. We had lots of people with us. The people behind us were like nope, this is the way we go. So we followed them and they were incorrect, and so they disappeared. I don't know where they ended up, but they also didn't have dogs and they didn't have little kids. We had like five and six year olds with us, and so it was very different dynamics. They could just walk over all these big, massive rocks and to get to where they were going, whereas we had to take a trail because of all the things. So then dog's paws were burning because we didn't have boots for them, and these are things that you have to think about when you live in Arizona. If you live somewhere like where I'm from in Pennsylvania, you don't think about putting boots on your dog because the sand gets so hot, and so, anyways, we had some really disappointed kids.
Speaker 1:We ended up going down to the water. We made the best of it because we just needed to get cooled off and it was still beautiful. It's just where we were camping also had that same water. We were just further up the creek, but there were rapids and the kids made the best of it. There just wasn't a swimming hole where they could dive into it from a rock, and that's what they were looking forward to.
Speaker 1:And so after the fact, I was thinking about while it was happening just allowed everyone to be frustrated. People were complaining and saying, oh, because we had turned back around, but then we didn't get to that one top trail, and so there was just a lot of complaining and a lot of just frustration, and that's normal, that's part of life. And after the fact, after we got back, I was reflecting on the whole situation and it made me think about how that's how life is. But yet we tried to create all these experiences for our kids so that there is no frustration, there is no failure. And so, because I was getting really, really hard on myself, I should have listened to my intuition. I should have, because when we came out of there, we did find a couple, because we kept running into people and they had no idea where they were going either.
Speaker 1:So I mean, it is a hard place to find, apparently, and so, and we took a really crazy dirt road to get there. So it was. You know, we're going five to 10 miles an hour, so it's not easy to get to even in the car. And so we ran into people and they told us oh yeah, it's right up here. You find the little stone structure and you turn right, and but stone structure. And you turn right, and but at that point we had been in the woods, you know or not?
Speaker 1:Woods in the desert for two hours with grumpy kids. We didn't pack lunches, we had food, uh, and we had dogs with hot paws, so we and the clouds were stacking up, and so, and also in places like that, flash flooding is a real thing, where it won't be raining, where you are and all of a sudden, you know water can come from up Creek and like, wipe you out. And so we saw the dark clouds and decided to turn back, and so I, we had a really good conversation with the kids, so I was like now it's going to feel even more triumphant and more exciting when we do this again. We can't give up. Number one it's going to be about a year. So there's delayed gratification because we're at the end of the season. We're not going to be able to go until next year. There's so many really good things that came out of this, even though it was kind of stinky, that we didn't make it to our destination.
Speaker 2:Wow. Leave it to Adrienne to spin. I got lost in the desert into like a beautiful analogy for life, like love that I'm going to be thinking about that all day now. Thank you, which leads us to a sad thing. We have to tell you all that this is going to be Adrienne's last episode as co-host on the Kindle podcast, and we're so sad about this. She has another adventure that she is going to set off on Hopefully not like the adventure she went on this weekend where she gets lost in the desert, but happy adventure. Adrienne, do you want to tell us a little bit about what you're doing?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so while I've been at Prenda, right when I first started, I had gone through parent coaching certification program through the Jai Institute for Parenting, and it's rooted in conscious parenting. I don't really subscribe to a certain parenting style because I feel like as long as we're looking at the neurodevelopmental needs of our kids and what we need and how to resource ourselves, that's how we show up and are able to parent kids in a healthy, psychologically emotional, healthy way. Healthy, psychologically emotional, healthy way. But you can call it conscious parenting, gentle parenting, positive parenting it probably falls under all of those umbrellas. And so I had, before Prenda, I had started a blog called Raising Kids with Purpose.
Speaker 1:I worked really hard to figure out all the technology, which was hard for me to grow a blog, grow Pinterest accounts, grow an Instagram, and so while at Prenda, I am so thankful I was able to resurface a lot of that content and rewrite it for our blog at Prenda and then also able to collaborate with my Instagram accounts, because social media is hard for my mental health.
Speaker 1:I think it is hard for a lot of people's mental health. So, yeah, so I'm going, I'm full out, going to be a parent coach where I can work with parents to help them find the joy in parenting, and kind of like what we do at Prenda for kids. We empower them and we create environments that their brains are safe and they're able to grow in healthy ways. I want to do that for parents and families because, in order for me to reach the kids, I can really make an impact if I can help their parents to see how amazing they are. And also I plan to be a parent educator and speaker and do workshops and things like that, maybe for schools. I'm part of a group called the MomCo things like that maybe for schools. Or I'm part of a group called the mom co, and so there's a ton of mom co meetups all over the state of Arizona. So you know, I just got on their speaker list, so hopefully I can go out and speak to those groups too and just make an impact in parents' lives.
Speaker 2:It's going to be so amazing. We're going to miss all of your wisdom and knowledge and funness and playfulness on the Kindle podcast. The Kindle podcast will continue. I just won't have Adrian's beautiful shining face on every week, which I am not going to talk about. How sad I am about that. But this for this episode. I am going to interview the founder of Raising Kids with Purpose, Adrienne Thompson, and it's going to be great. Here we go. You ready for this, Adrienne? Welcome to the Kindle podcast.
Speaker 1:So are you ready for this? I'm not ready for it to be my last episode, Katie, but yes I'm ready. Let's dive in. Let's dive in on what it's like to be, you know, raise kids with purpose. What does that mean?
Speaker 2:Yep, let's do it. So tell us a bit about your background and how you came to the work you're doing and what your big why is.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so my background. We always ask guests this and some go really far back and some just go with the work that they're doing, and so where do I want to start? So I grew up in an environment where my parents did the absolute best they could. I moved in with my dad and stepmom when I was about six and they worked a lot all the time, and then they had two kids who I helped take care of and I was there with them after school, before school, even when I was first grade, second grade, fully getting myself up and ready and off to. I was doing a lot of things on my own, but I also was very mature, and I mean the environment probably made that, but also that's just who I am and my innate personality. I'm very driven, I was very mature and I mean the environment probably made that, but also that's just who I am and my innate personality. I'm very driven, I'm very motivated, I want to do well, and so that really impacted.
Speaker 1:Whenever I became a parent, I was thinking I have a clean slate. My parents didn't yell, my parents didn't late. My parents didn't yell, my parents didn't, you know like. I didn't have all this tumultuous environment that you, you know, hear of like when adults or when they become a parent and they struggle. I didn't have a lot of that, but I didn't also have the what I was needing to, you know, be raised in an emotionally healthy environment. There was no one. I mean, they were there when they were home, right, but there were a lot of times where I just did not have a caring adult to co-regulate with and to develop with, and so that did impact.
Speaker 1:When I had kids and I knew, before I had my son, I read positive discipline. I loved the framework, felt like I was going to be a positive discipline parent, which I still do agree with some of the concepts in the positive discipline framework, but I do still feel like it's a little more. Rewards and punishment or know are not punishment, but I don't know. Do you know much about the positive discipline?
Speaker 2:I don't. I was just going to ask you to tell us a little bit, but only if it's a part of your story.
Speaker 1:Yes, and so we can put a link in the show notes. Okay, let's do that. And it's used in a lot of schools. And it's where, basically, you focus just on the positive and you essentially ignore the negatives. And then, as I started to do work on my own, I was like, oh, my kids still need me to be present, they still need my presence and co-regulation, not just to completely ignore them. And I don't even think that's what was in the framework, but that's what I got from it. But I knew that I wanted to have a positive environment.
Speaker 1:And then I was gifted with kids who are neurodivergent and who are different and they don't fit the typical norms of the way kids are supposed to behave. That was really hard for me because I am a rule follower and I got all of my worth and value from following the rules and I was really good at getting those stickers and filling up the sticker charts as a child and getting a lot of positive feedback for being good. So when I had a child who had big behaviors, it wasn't that he was bad or good, and that paradigm started to shift too, of not viewing children as good or bad and labeling them as good or bad. It's just there are some challenging behaviors or wanted behaviors, unwanted behaviors, and so, little by little, I started just reading more and more parenting books and more things about how to raise a kid that had bigger behaviors and needed to move his body a lot and that's actually the most popular blog post I have. It's called what I wish I would have known when my son was a toddler or something around along those lines, and it was because he literally would be like a bull in the middle of the living room and kick up his leg and just run into the wall and try to knock himself out. I had no idea what was going on. I would ask people at his daycare, like what is happening, and they would just tell me oh, just don't let him do it. But no one said why is he doing this? And it was because he needed proprioceptive input that he wasn't getting and so little.
Speaker 1:Over time I started just learning these concepts and learning about the brain and learning oh my gosh, like the way our culture is telling us to parent kids is. So it's the antithesis to what they're actually needing and giving them these developmental needs that they have. So that just sent me on a journey, and I don't remember how old my oldest was when I read the Whole Brain Child by Dr Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson completely changed my world. They really help you dive into. This is what actually works and why it does, because this is what's happening in your very, very, very underdeveloped brains that your child has. And so once I started viewing parenting as not oh, I'm here to control my child and make them behave a certain way and sit still and be quiet and be compliant, instead, view them as like. I have such an opportunity to help them grow and experience life and find purpose and be able to provide and give them what they need and figuring out what those needs are, instead of just slapping band-aids.
Speaker 1:Sticker charts, work charts I was the queen of those. I had every kind of jar you could think of, like cotton balls that you would put in, and every kind of jar, every kind of chart, and guess what? None of those worked, go figure, because I wasn't getting to the root cause. So that sent me on a journey to really discover how my kids were wired. To really discover how my kids were wired, and in that process I started to basically reparent myself and discover how I was wired.
Speaker 1:I'm also neurodivergent and I just learned so many things that I feel like would have been helpful to know growing up. So I'm just trying to break these generational patterns and to show up in a way and to not only heal but also really pay attention to my nervous system, to my thoughts, to my beliefs, and just show up every single day. And so that turned into this blog, raising Kids With Purpose. I wrote a lot of content around these things really diving into strong family culture. Couldn't find a lot of books on it, so maybe one day I'll write a book about creating a strong family culture.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I love I'm really creative and that's something that I've always loved doing since I was a child is creating. So I've created a lot of printables and a lot of them I have transformed and they're on Prenda's blog as well, and so I create a lot of printables and toolkits and things that not only are for parents but also serve the child and they can do with the child child and they can do with the child, and so lots of just really easy, practical tools to help parents create an environment where kids' brains are able to develop in a safe way.
Speaker 2:I love that. Yeah, so much of your work surrounds helping parents build a strong family culture, so I want to spend some time digging into that. What does that mean to you, and how do you go about helping parents bring some intention into what they're building in their families?
Speaker 1:I think it's really important to address that. In a family system, there are so many different personalities and needs, and once you may have special needs, you may have disorders. There may be a lot of things going on within a family system because people are messy, and the more people you have in your family, the messier it could be. And so creating a strong family culture to me is having a commitment to each other, no matter what, and having this unconditional love.
Speaker 1:Alfie Kohn that was a book I read in the beginning of my journey too is called Unconditional Parenting. Is it Unconditional Parenting? Unconditional Parenting, yeah, yes, and about how we inadvertently create conditions around our love for our kids. And so having a commitment, having true, unconditional love not, oh well, you didn't listen to me, so I'm not going to lay with you tonight no matter how you behave or how you act and this goes for you know, with your spouse, with your kids, like in the whole family unit, having good communication and having shared values and traditions and a lot of you know the traditions, kind of and even not just traditions, but rules and boundaries, and all these things you have set up are all tied to your family values.
Speaker 2:Yeah, how do you discover that for yourself? Talk more about family values. And if I'm just a person who's never thought about this, because that's how parenting is You're a person, you're yourself, and then suddenly you have a baby and it's like, oh, we have not had classes, or like there's parenting books. So like you're not, we're not prepared for this at all, and it's so funny because we have like master's degrees for all of these like things in the world. It's like, man, I wish I could have like a master's degree in like developing, helping kids, raise, like raising kids with purpose, or like identifying our family values. Like this is not like a normal thing that we all go through when we start having kids. So talk a little bit more about, uh, so just some practical strategies, maybe. Yeah, so with values.
Speaker 1:I do have two blog posts on this. One is about defining and finding your values, and I do have a full values family values toolkit with lots of different printables in there so that you can work together as a family unit to figure out what your values are. And then I have another one on how to make your family values stick. So, defining your values, you can start with just asking questions, and we do this in family meetings, and so we have a family meeting time where you could do weekly. I have a friend, amy Carney. She wrote a book about purposeful parenting to parent on purpose and she does it once a month and she has it printable on her blog that you can access as well. If you have older kids. It works really well, and so in our family meeting we can sit down, go through the toolkit and start by asking some questions.
Speaker 1:So here's some questions. So like, what qualities do you value in other families? So look at what other families are around you, and if you're on social media, that's probably really easy to do. Look at what other people are posting for their highlight reels, look at celebrities, look at friends, people that maybe, if you go to church, look at families in the church, look at families in the Bible, whatever's important to you already. Start by that. Look at qualities that other families have and write them down.
Speaker 1:You can also how do you want everyone to feel when you're all at home? Do you want people to feel unsafe? Do you want people to feel like you know this my brother's going to constantly be putting me down? Or not feel good, feel isolated alone? Typically not, so ask the family these questions. How do you want to feel when you are in these walls in our home? How do you spend time together? Think about what do you do when you're together? What do you do when you're apart? As I'm asking these questions, I can already visualize what it is for my family like for you. No-transcript, yeah.
Speaker 2:I think I can easily answer them. I'm trying to imagine the conversation with my kids now and what their input would be, and I think that getting that shared vision is actually more important. I mean, it's important for parents to be like this is what we stand for, but then it's like that's great, stand for that, all you want, if you don't have the buy-in of your kids. So you're like, if you can't rally the troops around that cause like that idea, then it's not going to happen anyway. So, um, it's actually just going to cause like discord, because then you'll be like well, I wish our house was like this and no one else wants so. Uh, I'm just trying to imagine.
Speaker 1:so I want to ask you that because you can, but you could start with you. That's why I asked you, because it's like, okay, can you answer these questions? Yes, okay. So then, and it's important, what you just said, too, is not to put your own ideas onto your kids and to give them that space to be able to answer them authentically and real, and not put them down if they're not answering the way you want to. But it is important that you start answering these questions yourself so that you can go okay, these are things that I value. So other questions are are there character flaws and others that drive you crazy? Are there things in other people or other families that you're like I'm not a fan of that, and how they do things that way? And then what do you find yourself repeating over and over again, and on my blog post I put besides, get your shoes on.
Speaker 1:You have a strong family commitment to shoes. Yes to shoes. Get your shoes on, get out the door, get in the car. We actually don't have that value.
Speaker 2:My kids very rarely wear shoes. Get in the car. We actually don't have that value. My kids very rarely wear shoes. There you go.
Speaker 1:I love that. Unfortunately, my kids go to environments where they need shoes, but anyway. And then you can also reflect on the values that you grew up with and this isn't just you, but your husband or your spouse or your partner. What values do you each bring to the table and what did you like, what you didn't like? And then think about how you spend time together and how you spend time apart which I think we've already said that and so you just start writing those things down and then in the toolkit I have a whole list of values to give you an idea.
Speaker 1:I think there's like a hundred, some different values on that list and they're all divided by categories. So you know faith, finances there's a ton of different categories that you can. And then there's a family mission poster to create a family mission statement, and then you can put your main values and all the different categories around it, put it on the poster. We have ours hanging up in our kitchen so that we can see daily, and so if we start behaving in ways that don't match up with those values, I just say, hey, look at the poster, are we living up to those values? And just pointing everything to those values.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that's such a healthy way. We do that in part of micro schools too Like we have to define the values. We have to define what living those values looks like and does not look like, and then we all have to agree that we want that together and then it's not like this battle between parents trying to get kids to act a certain way. Kids grow up understanding why these things are important and having a voice into what is important. And understanding why these things are important and having a voice into what is important and I think that you know we always say like way in leads to buy in. So if you have this opportunity, this platforms family meetings or like these discussions where kids feel like, oh yeah, like I noticed this and like I could have a voice into the family, like that is so, so empowering. It's making me think of this time.
Speaker 2:We never had family meetings. Growing up Wasn't a thing in the Neiman household. We did sometimes have, we tried sometimes, but it was like there's a lot of like fighting, because there's always like a football game on or something that, like everyone else wanted to do. So we'd never quite got there, but it reminds me of in college I, uh, my brother, who I'm very close to, and I went to college roughly the same time and we've suddenly realized that our family was very weird, because we've suddenly had like roommates who were telling us about what their families were like, and like we saw other interactions and we're like, oh, we're weird, like then the neiman family culture of like not saying I love you, mocking each other openly and like just being very sarcastic and like that was our family culture. Those are like sarcasm. That was like the values that we had growing up, which was funny sometimes, I will say, but not super empowering or like cozy feeling.
Speaker 2:Anyways, my family did not say I love you ever.
Speaker 2:I think my mom did sometimes, but my like, we're just not like a huggy, I love you family. And so my brother and I in college decided that we were going to start this like I love you revolution in our family and like, even though it's going to be awkward and hard, we were just going to every single time we talked to anyone in our family, whenever we called home, we would say I love you and so like, even as kids in a family, like trying to contribute to the. There was no like structure that was given to us, like inviting us into that conversation to define it. But we just made an observation notice that we wanted it to change and just took it upon ourselves to like change the family culture. And now, now everyone says I love you, and it's not awkward, and like we all say it to our kids and like probably say I love you to my kids like 900 times a day and I it's just like so possible to change things, like observe, notice, like define what you want and then do it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for me it was hard because I heard I love you a lot, but it wasn't backed by action, by my mom, and so, as I got older, it was really hard for me to say I love you or Eve, I have friends that will tell me they love me, and I've had to do a lot of work because I heard that all the time. But I think it also has to be backed up by action, and, you know, because words are only words, and so it sounds like, though, it is backed up by the way you're treating each other with kindness and loving ways. So, then, that's where those that I love you's are more impactful, and so, also I wrote about this too is how to make family values stick, and you started talking about this a little bit. So we can. We need to define them first, agree okay, this is what we agree that our family values are, and this is how we're going to live, and we're going to commit to doing this. And so then, to make them stick, there's like a whole list of things that you can do.
Speaker 1:So, first of all, it's belief. Every single person needs to work on what their belief system is around those values, and you might have a kid that doesn't want a particular value that you put on the poster, and's okay and so, but really checking in with what your beliefs are and then you want to define, which we already talked about what defining those beliefs are and defining what those values are. Then we want to talk about those values. We don't want to just put them on a poster and just have them hang up in our kitchen and that be it. We want to keep pointing back to those values, talk about them, point them out. When I'm reading books, I'll point out family values of ours that I see other characters share with us, or talk about them when you're out in public and you see that their living values are similar or not similar to yours. And just having that open dialogue, which is very, very important.
Speaker 1:And it's not just me talking about them. My kids talk about the values a lot too, because I'm modeling that, which is part of this list too, and then you also want to feel this might sound kind of cheesy and corny, but we want to embody those values. And then we want to have experiences that spending time together, family meal time, dinner time. There's been so much research around how important having dinner around the table is, and that is one thing that was very constant in my childhood is we had dinner around the table together, and it may have been hamburger helper and cut up vegetables, but that was something that we did. Even if there were sports, even if there were other things going on, my dad would come home from work and we had dinner around the table, and so that is something where you're experiencing what those family values are.
Speaker 1:And then last, which I already mentioned, is modeling. You want to model those values. So if you're screaming at your kid and you can't regulate yourself or you're tearing them down or putting them down just because that's how you kind of revert back to how you may have been raised, you're not modeling what those values are, unless, I mean, I couldn't imagine your values are to be mean to each other or to scream at each other, but maybe that is so, yeah.
Speaker 2:Well, it seems like it. If you watched my house, it seemed maybe sometimes like that was our value Anyways. So what are some common challenges that parents face when you're trying to set this up and how can we overcome them?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so, you need to look at how you were raised, how your partner was raised. That I think is really important is not to be a victim or pathologize every single thing that happened, and because I think we can kind of get into that rut and into that mindset. But just be aware I think starting with awareness is huge and being looking at okay, this is how he or she was raised, this is how I was raised. And then looking at culture, because maybe you're from different cultures too. You know, I have friends that have spouses that are from other countries, or they themselves their parents are from other countries, and that really contributes to how you act and your mindsets and your thoughts. So that can be a challenge. There could be generational gaps, busy schedules, just having so much to do and not really taking the time. Like I said, commitment to each other requires spending time together and being together, um, lack of communication or not having communication. That is positive that we kind of sometimes again, self-awareness is huge step back and look at how are we communicating to each other? Uh, I kind of mentioned this, but external cultural influences.
Speaker 1:On the podcast, the two of us talk a lot about how we view technology different, how we view, you know, play different. I mean, katie, you don't even give your kids toys that have batteries, you know. So our culture, though, is completely different than that, and so to really look at, okay, what am I doing this just because someone else is telling me to, or, like when we were lost in the desert, I allowed another family to impact our decision, versus going with my intuition, and so it's kind of like we can do that with culture a lot too. Um, and then managing technology use, I think, is a really big one.
Speaker 1:We are up against devices and programs and computers and the internet and all these things that don't want to raise healthy, emotionally, psychologically healthy kids. It's all about money and power and all the things, so we don't have to dive totally into that, but we do have to look at that, and then just looking at any other major life events, so those are some challenges that parents can face, and this is why, though, values are so important, and to have them defined, because you could always circle back to them despite anything being thrown at you. I think, sometimes, I've envisioned this fire is just blazing around me, and yet I'm just like in the movies, and they just walk out. You know, I'm thinking like Independence Day. All these things are happening, and that's because I can circle back to my values, and for me, one of my biggest values is my faith, and I rely on the promises that God has given me, and so I think that's really huge too.
Speaker 2:I love that. How can a parent I'm thinking about this in my own family I'm like, okay, I think our culture is pretty good. I haven't been as intentional as I probably should have, like gearing up for a new family meeting, printing out your printables in my mind already, but how can you know like what? What are some signs that parents could watch for if, like, the culture is off, if they need to like get into the weeds and like kind of dig into things. What are some signs, like some warning signs?
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely some warning signs could be the communication breakdown. Look at how you're communicating with each other, is it? And for me, I am a highly emotional person and highly sensitive person. They call them HSPs. It's a thing linked to to the book, it's a thing where my nervous system is a lot more sensitive and I just feel. And so for me, when I think, when things aren't going well, I can feel it at a visceral level and just really tapping into my intuition on, okay, this is not feeling good. But then also, looking at how much time you're spending together and how much time you're spending apart Katie, you talk about this a lot and it's helped me is kids.
Speaker 1:As they hit adolescence, their natural tendency is to go to peers and they want to start branching out. But it's really really important, like Gordon Neufeld talks about, and hold on to your kids is to make sure that home is safe and that they come to you first, not to their peers first, and then that peer you know influence and so, looking at that, are they coming to you about your problems or their problems and challenges, or are they going to their peers about it or to other people about it? So, look at communication. I think is really, really big sign of you know what's going on and looking at behaviors too. If you have a kid that is losing it a lot, having tantrums, meltdowns, and it's not typical there's probably a breakdown somewhere and you need to like revisit what those values are and then revisit okay, are they getting their core needs met?
Speaker 2:yeah, this is just reminding me I just recently had to set a boundary. Something I love, I love about our community is like kids are in and out of my house all the time. Kids, friends are knocking, like it's like very, it's a lot of families in our neighborhood and they feel very welcome and like safe in my home and I really want that and that's something that we've strived for. That like anyone who knocks on the door gets like, yes, come in, here's a snack. Like to create like a safe place for kids. But then I realized like that's a great culture that you've created. It is. But then I realized like, wow, these kids are in my house for hours and we don't ever have any. It's like, hey, then they go home because it's dark and they need to eat dinner and usually sometimes I feed them and then I send them home, but then it's bedtime and we're just not.
Speaker 2:I could see the peer culture was overwhelming our family culture. So I had to set a boundary of like, okay, every night yeah, it's totally a yes, anyone can play here until 6pm and then everyone goes home and it's family time and we eat dinner together. And like I just had to set that boundary. And I could feel my kids wanting that because, but like they didn't have the language with their friends to be like no, I like just want to be with my family right now. Like they didn't have the language to say that, but they felt that and I kind of felt like I was taking something away from them, like oh, they're gonna not like this rule that mom's coming in with, and after we did that, and like we just had this time, you could just feel like the culture change and they've actually said like thanks for doing that, like we didn't realize, like that, like we really need this time to just like be us, you know, and that's what they want.
Speaker 2:And that's actually something that I, my family, didn't spend a lot of time together and it didn't seem like anyone cared if we never saw each other. Um, and then when I was dating my husband, I was like, oh my gosh, he would like drive 12 hours to like go home for the weekend if there was like a family thing or like his family just is really intentional about being together. And I'm like if I marry him, then he'll be intentional about wanting to be with me and about our family. Like I want that culture, and here's the way that I can get that um, so I think that's amazing you're able to.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was amazing that you were able to even see that, because your brain was still pretty probably not fully developed then too. So that's pretty amazing that you were able to see that in your husband and how they were intentional. Or even this weekend when we went camping, my oldest he's 14, and he did not want to go. So we changed plans. We were planning on going and then we weren't because we had a sick kid. And then we were planning on going and then we weren't because there were stressful situations going on. And so then we literally we have an RV and it has everything that we need, so really, we just need clothes and food. And so we made the decision in an hour and we're on the road, and so my 14-year-old was not planning on going camping anymore because we told him we weren't, and so he did not want to go.
Speaker 1:His friends weren't able to make it, but we were like this is our family value of being together. And guess what? He made the best of it. We had so much fun and even getting lost in the desert together. I mean, that's a core memory, though you know like we can take these tough moments and we did it together. And that's when we got in the truck and it had started to rain. I told him. I said I am so proud of us. We did this together, like it. They're like looking at me like, well, that sucked. I was like, yes, but we did this together, like how we were together, which I think is so valuable, and so we, you know, versus doing it alone, I think, is just really really powerful. Um, but yeah, so, even though he didn't want to be with us, we value our family, being together and doing the hard things, the easy things, the happy things together, and so he knows that and he's going to grow up with, hopefully, those values of togetherness.
Speaker 2:I love that. So we've spent a lot of time talking about culture. I want to shift gears a little bit. Another something else that you focus on in raising kids with purpose is helping parents specifically who have highly emotional kids. You've mentioned that you are a highly sensitive person. Your kids have sensitive nervous systems and some neurodivergence and things like that, so obviously your own experience living this way has inspired you to focus on this. But what have you found to be the most misunderstood aspect of raising highly emotional children Like? What's your experience of this world been so far?
Speaker 1:It goes back to just how so many of our systems are set up and the messages that we're getting about parenting. You're a good parent if what? If your kid is well behaved, if they can manage their emotions, if they can sit still. I mean, this is how our schools are set up. This is so many things in our culture are set up and so, like I mentioned at the beginning, my kids didn't just sit still. They had really really big emotions and had lots of sensory needs. I didn't even know what that meant or what that was, and so I feel like if you see a child that is struggling to manage their emotions, it doesn't mean they're a bad kid. It means that they aren't getting their needs met, and what I've learned through parent coaching training is that a child's nervous system is 100% dependent on a caregiver's nervous system to be able to develop.
Speaker 1:Katie talks about brain maturation all the time and how brain maturation is messy and loud and emotional, and so kids are going to have really big emotions and feelings and behaviors.
Speaker 1:And it is our responsibility and I mentioned, I said this word earlier it is our gift to be able to provide presence and to be able to provide regulation and love and support for these kids whenever they're having these big feelings. So I think that's the biggest misconception is big feelings, tantrums, meltdowns equate to bad kid, which is not at all what's happening. Their brains are just very, very under construction and they have a long way to go, and some kids and some people have a lot more needs than others, and what I'm seeing is it's more and more kids have additional needs. I'm not going to get into all of that, but there's a lot of reasons for that, and one of the number one reasons is nutrient deficiency in the brain. We are not feeding our bodies or getting the nutrients that our brains need to create the neurotransmitters they need to be able to regulate and to develop in healthy ways. So that's what I think is really important is big behaviors and feelings does not mean bad kid. Yeah amen.
Speaker 2:I think that once you can kind of make that shift as a parent, that one, my, my kids behavior does not make me a good or a bad parent. Like these things are separate. My, my goodness as a parent is whether or not I can maybe show up for them, or you know, you can define that for yourself, but, like for me, it's like did I show up the way that I wanted to for my kid when we experienced developmentally appropriate behavior? Today you know that's like reframing that has really helped me. What are some other? Some other challenges that parents face in this, like helping kids become more emotionally regulated or being present through these. I mean, you have told so many stories of your kids and their dysregulation and how you have found all of these strategies to stay regulated yourself through their big emotions. Can you kind of share what that's been like?
Speaker 1:Yeah, to answer your first part of your question. The challenges that parents have is if they did not grow in an environment where they were able to feel their feelings and really focus on having expansive beliefs about themselves or didn't feel understood, seen and heard. This can be really, really hard when a child is losing their crap and you're just like what the heck do I do? Because your nervous system is going to be triggered, right. So I think that's the biggest challenge is owning our own stuff first and figuring out okay, why is my body having this reaction to a baby crying or to a toddler flailing on the floor? Why can't I stay regulated and calm in this moment?
Speaker 1:And again, not to pathologize, childhood, but it could be from your childhood, it could be from your personality, it could be because of how you're wired and created, and so I think that's the biggest challenge. And then also cultural and caring about what other people think and if judgment, and we have a whole laundry list of those types of things too. And then you said that I have found a lot of tools and strategies. And yes, it's starting with me first, and we had Andy Martineau on the podcast. I really like her STEER model. It's really helpful too. What are the S-T-E-R?
Speaker 1:In my training we call it something different.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so she says steer is situation, thought, emotion, action, result. So that's kind of like the cycle that we live, and sometimes we have thoughts and emotions that we're choosing into that don't lead to the actions and results that we want, and so we have to change those thoughts and emotions and I think that your work is super closely aligned to doing that work right, like when you're saying start with you. That's what we're talking about. Like we really need to figure out what's triggering our nervous system so that we can show up in a way where we're able to be a co-regulating option, a partner for our kids when they're having these dysregulated moments.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely with jai. You know their framework. They call it anchor and it's very similar. I'm trying to like pull up. It's not that I can't recall what the actual words mean, because I've embodied, like, these processes and these frameworks, so i'm'm not like, oh, a is this and N is this. It's just become part of how I am and the way I interact with my kids, and so it does really start with awareness, though, and being aware. Okay, I'm feeling this, just taking deep breaths.
Speaker 1:Breath work has been huge for me, also understanding that what might work for me may not work for you. When my son was working with a psychologist, she discovered she would put him up to you know pulse ox and see, like, where his heart rate was for different things. If there was noise present, his heart rate would stay elevated. If he was sitting, his heart rate would stay elevated. He would need to be standing up or laying flat for his heart rate to come down, because that is his unique individual body. That is what he needs to be able to come to regulation, and so you as a parent, me as a parent, we're going to have different strategies and tools. That's why I really struggle with some of the things out there able to come to regulation, and so you as a parent, me as a parent, we're going to have different strategies and tools. That's why I really struggle with some of the things out there.
Speaker 1:Some books is like, if you do this, then this is what is going to result in or you know you, here's your toolbox and I have lots of toolboxes and things and I do have all these. But I want to make sure there's a caveat here that you have to do what works best with you and it really starts with attunement. So you got to have this awareness and be really aware of your thoughts and beliefs and then really tap into your intuition and be attuned to what your kids need, because this is just a beautiful gift I keep saying beautiful gift, but it's a beautiful gift that we've been given to be able to raise these little beings and to have this special superpower of intuition and of attunement, starting with myself and then seeing what my kids' needs are. So if I've done a lot of work right to be able to stay in dorsal or not dorsal, to stay in ventral vagal and to be able to stay in that higher sense of self, that's like my social engagement system. We're talking about the nervous system. We can link to our nervous system episode. That really really dives into this.
Speaker 1:And so if I can keep myself at least one foot in ventral vagal and I might have some energized.
Speaker 1:There might be some energy here, but then I really need to pay attention to myself first and then I can start to work on my kids' needs and what they're needing and I teach them a lot of the same tools and we had Samantha Snowden on from the anger management workbook doing a lot of workbooks and those kinds of things. She has amazing tools in that book and I'm learning alongside my kids. And so, again, making sure I start with myself first and then I look at okay, making sure I start with myself first, and then I look at okay, here are the behaviors, and I'm kind of like a scientist. It's like here's the data that I have, this is what's happening. Let's figure out what the root cause is and let's get to the root of what this behavior is meaning, because when kids are little, they aren't able to tell you exactly what they feel. Even if they have high language ability, they still might not be able to tell you what's going on.
Speaker 2:So just putting these things together, how do you feel like culture building an intentional family culture helps kids with strong emotions. How do these things connect?
Speaker 1:You can always go back to your values and to your commitment to each other, and the bottom line is that unconditional love, no matter what, no matter how you are behaving, no matter how big your emotions are, you matter to me. Imagine, imagine a world where every adult that you know grew up in that, and how different things would be. And so we have the opportunity. We know better so we can do better. There is so much science and research and just so many longitudinal studies all these things that we have access to now and functional MRIs and just so much more that we know, and I mean we have too much access to all this information. It is like almost, you know, information overload, but now we can do better. I feel like there shouldn't be an excuse of raising kids in a way that hinders their development.
Speaker 2:Can you share a success story, maybe, where you've seen this approach work? Because I think if I was listening to this I would be maybe thinking like oh, but not my kid. Like my kid's emotions are too big, too intense. Like this won't work.
Speaker 1:Well define what you mean by work.
Speaker 2:Well, it won't help my kid become more emotionally regulated.
Speaker 1:So I think it's important to look at like what the goal of? Is it so that your child is just behaving like culture wants them to be too, or is it to make them feel unconditionally loved, no matter what? The very first parent coaching client that I had, she has a set of twins and at the time they were five. And then she has a younger daughter who's I think she's about three years younger than the twins, and at the time, before working with me, she had never heard of the word neurodivergence. She didn't see some of these signs or behaviors or things that would fit that. But her husband knew that he was dyslexic, which falls under the neurodivergent umbrella. And when she first came to me, she's like I'm reading all these books and they're telling me to do all these things and I'm trying to do all these things and nothing's working, kind of like what you're saying. And so over time we redefined what working meant. We redefined what she needed to you know how to resource herself, and we really helped change the paradigm of what her role was as a parent and by the end it was just amazing.
Speaker 1:She no longer was just living in fear of judgment of others because of the way her kids were behaving. She was able to then I mean because this was years ago and she was able to get them diagnoses and I mean there's a whole list of different things that they have and they have additional needs. She was able to talk to her husband and say, hey look, this is how our kids are wired. Being in traditional school is just making things so much worse. Their emotions are getting bigger. They're in a constant state of stress. She now homeschools them and, yes, they still have emotions. Yes, they still have emotions. Yes, they still have big behaviors, but they're getting their needs met in a way that weren't getting met before, because she wasn't meeting her own needs.
Speaker 1:So I think that is the biggest piece of this is not to go into it going, oh okay, so if I print all these printables and I follow all these things, then my kids are just going to be perfect. They're not going to have emotions. That's not the point. The point is just ensuring that our kids are getting their developmental needs met, and a lot of us adults didn't get those developmental needs met, so we didn't have that modeled. We don't even know what that means. So that's why it's really important to do this work and then over time, I feel like just our mindset, our paradigms, they'll change to a place where you can no matter what's happening, emotions or whatever. I can feel this just we're in this together. That is how family culture and having a strong family culture and being intentional and having a strong purpose, that is what that does.
Speaker 2:You just have that to lean on. That's amazing, I think what I'm we're going to wrap up here, but what I'm drawing from our conversation is one like a recommitment to being more intentional with my kids. Like a recommitment to being more intentional with my kids. I feel like I parent in a loosely adjacent way, but I feel like it's just kind of like not been as like focused as I want it to be. So I'm recommitting, so thank you, and also I just feel an incredible amount of hope because there are so many parents out there that are really, really struggling.
Speaker 2:And I look back before I like understood these ideas and principles and I had really bad postpartum depression and I had a three-year-old who was like kicking me in my pregnant stomach and like all of these like big, big things, and I didn't have these tools. And I am so like, on the one hand, like deeply sad that you're going to be leaving the Kindle podcast, but also so, so excited for you and for all of the impact that you're going to have in the world, the parents and the families you're going to reach, and I'm just so full of hope and excitement for you. So tell our listeners how they can stay connected with you, how they can follow your work and get involved with Raising Kids with Purpose.
Speaker 1:I encourage anyone if they're having a struggle or a challenge. I get people that email me all the time and I am a real human here and I really, really care about you. And you can email me at Adriane A-D-R-I-A-N-E. At Raising Kids with Purpose the blog and the website I'm doing an overhaul, so by the time this gets published, it should be a brand new website and has all my programs and all the different ways that I can help you. It's RaisingKidsWithPurposecom. Instagram same handle, so everything is Raising Kids With Purpose.
Speaker 2:Love that. Thank you for coming on the Kindle podcast and for all of the things you've done for coming on the Kindle podcast and for all of the things you have done on the.
Speaker 1:Kindle podcast. Sorry if that did not sound good in your ears. I just saw this has been okay. I can't just say that's it. Katie, I want to thank you so much for just allowing me to come on this ride with you. I was terrified that first episode that we did, especially our first interview. I was shaking, I had to change my clothes afterwards because I was sweating so bad and I feel like you have just pushed me to be in my learning frontier and so what you're doing at Prenda and what you're creating at Prenda, you live out and you are all about empowering people. So I just want to publicly thank you for empowering me and just, we really grew together in this podcast and I'm just not ready to say bye but it's time.
Speaker 2:It has been quite the ride and quite the journey and I just want to publicly thank adrian for everything she's done. You guys, the kindled podcast would not exist without this lady behind the scenes. She does so much, um. And also I just want to thank our editing crew, amy lashana, um, everyone who participates in this, this work that we do. It's an important work. It's not over, but we're entering a new era of it, and just want to recognize all of the hard work and passion that's been put into this, something that you can use to fuel your love for kids and for your passion to protect them and to advocate for them, because they really they don't have a voice in this world and they need more of us to stand up and be that voice for them. And when we understand their brains and their needs and all the things we talked about here on the Kindle podcast, that's when we can be really strong advocates and that's why we do what we do. So thank you to our listeners and thank you, adrian. And now, because I've never made a guest read the outro, I'm going to read the full outro by myself, ready.
Speaker 2:The Kindle podcast is brought to you by prenda. Prenda makes it easy for you to start and run an amazing micro school based on all the ideas we talked about here on the kindle podcast. If you want more information about being a coming up prenda guide, go to prendacom. If this episode was helpful for you, please like, subscribe and follow us on social media at prenda learn. If you have questions you'd like to us address, leave a comment or email us at podcast at Prendacom. Sorry, that last part was like not great because that's the part that Adrian usually does and so it's my first time. So forgive me and Adrian, I love you. You did great.
Speaker 1:I love you. See, when you said I love you, I was like I love you, Katie, thank you, thank you, thank you.
